under pressure

its winter. finals are coming. papers are stacking up. work is piling higher. stress is growing. in moments like these i sing out a song I sing out a love song to Jesus In moments like these I lift up my hands I lift up my hands to the Lord

Singing, I love You, Lord
Singing, I love You, Lord
Singing, I love You, Lord
I love You

(bring me back to you Jesus, because i haven't been getting anywhere on my own)

changing of tides

"It is that American spirit - that American promise - that pushes us forward even when the path is uncertain;

"A house divided against itself cannot stand."I believe this government cannot endure, permanently half slave and half free.I do not expect the Union to be dissolved -- I do not expect the house to fall -- but I do expect it will cease to be divided.It will become all one thing or all the other. 

In the worst war in US history James Dunwoody Bulloch Confederate agent and uncle of Theodore Roosevelt covertly bought the Alabama, a commerce raider. She captured or burned 65 Union merchant vessels, and took more than 2,000 prisoners without a single loss of life from either prisoners or her own crew. 

In her last battle, Alabama opened fire first while Kearsarge held her reply until she had closed to less than 1,000 yards (1 km). Steaming on opposite courses, the ships moved around a circle as each commander tried to cross his opponent's bow to deliver deadly raking fire. The battle quickly turned against Alabama, for the quality of her long-stored powder and shell had deteriorated.  One hour after she fired her first salvo, Alabama had been reduced to a sinking wreck.

...that binds us together in spite of our differences; that makes us fix our eye not on what is seen, but what is unseen, that better place around the bend."

Post October Break

why is it that i want so much? my hopes are more than the world. im searching for something ill never get the answers for. im looking for something ill never see, and yet i desire it so much that i continue to pursue it always. its kinda like my goal is so high its almost impossible to reach, and yet i desperately work for it.


sometimes uncertainty, the million possibilities that are left open in my mind are more painful than the actual truth. i was told that i am hated, and because of that, i am grateful. i don't need to wonder about how she feels anymore. i dont need to draw anymore conclusions, or analyze, because she hates me simply because i am the way i am. i wont change. this hurt so much, knowing i was wrong, knowing that i was fooled for a whole year and a half, until i finally figured out the truth. her words were like confetti composed of knives. it was too dangerous, now its time to party with someone else.

time never makes sense to me. it can be so important sometimes, and other times it doesn't matter. like if i had learned the truth earlier on, maybe i would have been less reserved for her. maybe i would have seen something different. i think from the day i met her it was only a matter of time before i had to disappear from her life.

scarred, and shaken up, i swear im doing fine, but people around me can even see that im a mess. the good news is it can get any worse, so it can only get better from here. saviour.

OCTOBER break

i was in dc today showing some friends around the monuments, there was a random businesswoman dressed to kill. she was so fine i almost tripped on the street. ive taken so many risks, throwing my heart out to girls. ive been complaining about it so much. ive busted my butt trying to find that girl. and maybe i should change my approach.

when professors you have known for years pull fast ones on you giving you crappy grades you didn't deserve it makes you question. are they ok? why are grades so byist? what ever happened to justice?

i went for a walk yesterday in the woods by myself. i talked to God. i told him whats up. i put my beliefs in front of him. i think i realized where im at. now im ready to take a step forward. if God is in my heart then my actions should be of God. Asking Jesus inside means more than to just say it out loud or in your mind. its more than going up front at the alter call. it means a devotion, a new focus on Jesus. Everything I absorb into my heart must be from him. when Jesus is every part of my desire, he's in my heart.

starting southern again

maybe i stopped caring. i saw a girl that made me all nervous, and ya it was hard for me to speak to her, but i see no need to pursue anything this year. dating, and pursuing girls has been a big part of my life, and its sort of weird to be away from that and genuinely not care about the ordeal.

the romantic pursuit is highly glorified, and because im away from it, i don't really know what to do. i do see pressure, but i don't care.

i had a dream a while back that i smelled some sweet incense smoke and this girl i went to highschool with came up in the dream and was sorta lecturing me, saying " Why did you do that, now you'll never be alone" i think girlfriends are over-rated, and a bunch more work than i realize. and unless im serious about a girl, i dont see any use in starting a partnership. the dream made me realize that never being alone can be a bad thing. like what if this chic is bad for me?

i dont have any answers.

sometimes i feel a muse can be persued, but if it is caught, than it is no longer a muse, therefor either ill be single forever, or i will stop trying to write songs.

On "Snail"....

slow things are really interesting like slow motion, chilling underwater, snails, and turtles. no body gives that stuff any attention today it seems like everything is all fast paced. love is a fast song by copeland, ehh i dont know if i believe that. maybe. i dunno.

but i really found this one girl attractive last year. i mean honestly she was classy, and beautiful. she was a little older than me but i was cool with that. what really caught me off guard, was it actually seemed like she was digging me, she was laughing at my lame jokes, she understood my style. We would hang out a little, we started sitting next to each other in photo class. We started flirting a little bit. as cliche as this sounds her smile got me everytime. it expressed a mixture of things: 1. that she thought i was funny 2. that she was curious 3. that she was happy. all of which led me more attracted to her.

alright so i have tickets to this amazing concert explosions in the sky, and i wanted to ask her, but i didnt wanna do it in some lame uncreative way, and i didnt want to do something that would be too easy like the same thing i always do (write a short song and ask them) so i was thinking about this one time when she showed me her tattoo under her waistline. it was the chinese word for "friends". so i thought of an idea of writing "will you go on a date" in that region on me.

i showed up to class and told her i had gotten a tattoo of the chinese word for friends, and she didn't believe me, she asked where, and i told her. she still didn't believe me and she called me a poseur, haha. so in the middle of photography class sorta towards the back, i stand up and pull my pantelones (pants) down to show her. i was nervous as hell, so i put them back on after a few seconds, she said, "wait lemme see again!" pretty funny. and i asked "did you read it? you could understand it right?" my heart was beating like crazy, so i grabbed her hand and put it on my chest. she said she would go.

well you all know me, im still the same old g. i jumped the gun like crazy. i do this alot with girls im attracted to, its just instinct. i started telling her half jokingly half seriously hoping she would catch a certain drift that i thought she was attractive.

i started writing again. a bit of poetry, gave it too her. and when she read them, she took off. she started sitting back in her old spot in photo class. we didnt hang anymore. one thing she did say before she left was "i guess our feelings don't match up".

On "I Remember it"

after the most depressing moments of my life there was a stage that was worse then all those lows combined. getting back on track. now i dont know much about depression, i just know i was comfortable. in my shame and brokeness i was fine. i couldnt really talk much about anything or function 100 percent, but i was cool with where i was at. ill admit at certain points i just couldnt bear not being able to be a social person, but for the most part i had accepted it as part of me. after senior year of highschool my parents and family were determined to find an answer and a solution, so i could be normal again.

at first i was fine with all the help they were giving. i went to psychiatrists and psychologist, got the same answer every time "your bi-polar" I wasn't really aware of what was going on and how the doctors were getting chosen. I just was dragged along. I had already come to terms that i wasn't normal i was bi-polar, because i saw it all throughout highschool. It wasn't a shock at all. We went to this guy Dr. Brain, ill be honest he's pretty awesome, hes got an accent from new zealand or australia or something i dont really know which one. but what was really impressive was that he ask me questions about how i was doing and such and he would write down my full and entire answer. I really got too excited about this, cause i would sometimes go on and on just to see if he would write it down. i would just bs sometimes too. pretty funny.

After being on the medication for a while i started to feel indifferent. it was weird. it felt like i had no emotion. in fact i realized that the only reason why i was going to these shrink sessions and taking the pills, is cause i wanted to get the heck outta maryland. i hated it (no offence). i started trying to get off the pills taking a lower dose. My best friend dennis, he thought i should have stayed on the same amount. He saw i was sick. I thought i would rather be sick, than an apathetic retard.

so im still on the medication, (a low dose) but i do remember this stage in life like it was yesterday. i remember it so well. it was super interesting. its a miracle i graduated from highschool. but yah i do remember the doctors saying i was messed up, my mom repeadedly saying i had delusions. once she said i had delusions of granduer, that really pissed me off, but then about 5 months later i was reading this bipolar book in our bookcase and it had that phrase in there so i thought that was pretty funny. i guess my point is that today, ive fallen short of perfection, and i will always. but i do remember getting well, and that was worse than anything, but its good i went through that, cause im a whole lot better.

Camping

i set up the tent. it was fun. im gonna camp tonight. it will be fun. fun. fun. holla if you wanna talk to a man located in the wilderness.

blistering calouses

im lonely. im tired. i think i called up every person on my phone tonight. nobody answered. i sometimes panic at the slow pace of summertime.

Looking to the future....

im really trying to get excited about the future.

going back to school in tennessee, dating hawties, playing shows, graduating, being with friends, going to shows, getting done with summerschool, turning 21.

i guess theres a whole lot more to look forward to, but it will hit me as it comes.

im too old for this....

i was just sitting outside in the hammock, and this spider tried to kill me. its supposed to be 95 degrees. pretty hot i guess. i have a huge paper to write. well not huge. but its still some work.

im my own biggest fan.

i saw some nofx video on youtube playing in chile in front of thousands of kids. the crowd was electric. people were climbing down the balcony and jumping into the crowd. somehow watching this video gave me the chills. i know ive played in front of alot of people before, some crowds have been pretty on fire, but it is i guess just a dream to make that a regular way of life. i haven't cried in three years, and i think im about due. i gotta learn how to cry again.

Summerschool

Ill be starting up on the 27th of may, thats next tuesday at the beautiful Montgomery College in Silver Spring MD. Im gonna take a pretty full load this summer. It should be good. Theres 2 summer sessions, each lasting about 4 weeks. Im taking 6 credits each session (2 classes). Each Class meets about 8 hours a week.

SUMMER SESSION 1

EN 101 - TECH OF RDNG & WRTG I
An introduction to exposition. The course emphasizes the process of critical thinking, reading, and writing. Students move from writing about personal experiences to writing for an outside, academic audience. Students write for different audiences and purposes using a variety of rhetorical strategies. Students write in response to outside readings and are introduced to appropriate documentation procedures. (CE) PREREQUISITE: Placement through assessment testing, successful completion of Basic English (EN 001 or EN 002 with a grade of A), or completion of EL 104 with a grade of C or better. Assessment level: RD 120. Three hours lecture each week.

3.000 Credit Hours

MA 101 - INTERMEDIATE ALGEBRA LIB ARTS
Development of Algebraic and problem-solving skills and concepts intended to prepare students for a mathematics foundation course. Topics include linear, quadratic, and exponential equations, functions and their applications, modeling and data analysis. This course does not satisfy the prerequisite for MA 130, MA 160, or MA 180. Not intended for students who have a grade of C or better in MA 100, MA 100D, MA 103, or their equivalent. PREREQUISITE: A grade of C or better in MA 091, MA 091A, or MA 091D; or appropriate score on the mathematics assessment test; or consent of department. Assessment level: RD 120. Three hours each week.

3.000 Credit Hours

SUMMER SESSION 2

EN 102 - TECH OF RDNG & WRTG II
Studies in argumentation and research. Students learn to identify, critically read--analyze and evaluate--and write arguments using logic and appropriate rhetorical techniques. Students construct thesis-driven academic essays, synthesizing and incorporating the words and ideas of others and using formal documentation. Students learn to identify audience as well as employ effective tone, word choice, and sentence patterns. PREREQUISITE: EN 101 or EN 101A. Three hours lecture each week.

3.000 Credit Hours

SN 101 - ELEM SPANISH I
A beginning language course focusing on the study of Spanish language and culture. Students begin to develop the ability to communicate in Spanish through the consideration of cultural themes, language functions, and authentic situations as they acquire the structures and lexicon to work with written language, conversation, and composition. No prior knowledge of Spanish is required. In-class work is supplemented by 20 hours in the language learning laboratory. (HUMD[M]) Three hours lecture each week.

3.000 Credit Hours

Revenge

I thought about it over the weekend. I thought about what I would say to them, more importantly what would I say to her? It took a few hours of my thoughts, and I couldn't think of anything new. Just some things i wrote a while back. It seems like I don't care about it at all. I mean, i do, at least i think i do. I just don't want to say something Ive been storing up since high-school. I have a problem with it. Its so obvious, but its like i can't figure out any words that i could potentially tell her about it. I don't really give a damn about the whole situation. I just don't want hear from them ever. And I want to forget about her. She didn't deserve my love.

Orphans.

im not going as an SM. it would be better to wait. i havent posted anything for a while. but i think its time to.

ive been dreaming the past couple of nights. its really sad cause theyre the types of dreams where i wish that they would have actually happened, and i woke up to a hard reality.

in one dream i was working at a camp, and the girl i loved came to visit me. i laid down on the bed, and there in the cabin she was standing looking at me with sad, wet eyes. she started shaking a little and said "how can i help you to move on?". in the dream i didn't care, i didnt care at all.
when i remember this dream i think about the importance of moving on. things didn't work out between us, and since i invested so much of myself into her, it makes it not only hard on my life, but this dream points out that it takes its toll on hers. i never really thought about it that way, but it could be true i guess.

Where am I?

Pray without ceasing.

I think it goes back to the heart of worship/living sacrifice thing. If we are living our lives for God, how can we live for him without communicating with him? I think we're supposed to always be talking to God, every second of the day. Worship is sometimes prayer.

Alright today I was listening to Delirious Did you feel the mountains tremble live in my car. I really started to feel God's love, and all of the sudden I got the chills. Normally they go away in a few seconds. But I didn't let it. I held onto God's blessings and focused completely on him. I was praying, whispering "Thank You God, Thank you God" It was a real spiritual experience.

I don't feel like God has told me "Jake, Get off your butt and be a missionary" I don't really know exactly how God works with his calling. I do know that somehow, my mind became real open to the possibility of going this year. Maybe its God thats impressing me to go. Maybe God is helping me to see it as an option. I really don't know how this stuff works. All I know is that I'm getting excited. Really excited.

I know its not going to be comfortable, and thats what I want. I want to go and make a change and grow. I want to become a Man of God, the man God designed me to be. I want God to be in every decision I make. I want to be on the alter as a living sacrifice. Constantly Worshiping our Savior who is worthy of all praise.

Is this the end?

Today was the last pub tools class. Its sorta been hitting me that the school-year is done, but I know I won't feel the full force of it until summertime. I've met a lot of awesome people, I played quite a bit for worships, and I had tons of fun. I have one final today and then two on Wednesday. My parents come on Thursday night.

Its crazy how fast this stuff goes.

Where is my heart?

I can't really date for a year. Its part of the student missionary policy. It makes sense. But I'm doing it for my own reasons, not just to conform. I give my heart away to much to girls. I've been carelessly throwing it around to the nearest and most available girl that catches my attention. Where does God fit in this picture? So instead of giving my heart out to them, I'm giving it to God. He deserves it and so much more from me.

why go?

i've been thinking about missions. i've heard the SM's tell their stories, I've heard sermons about it, and seen movies about it. it seems like a good idea to go with a cause and fight for it, to fight on the front lines for Christ. But where does this apply to me? Whats my cause? Why am I going?

I have always felt like it was a good idea for certain people at a certain time of their life. I know that I have been hearing about it for a while, but whats intriguing is that its been sticking recently. I have heard their stories before, but I felt that it never really applied to me at where I was at. It almost was like "Hey thats cool" then I would move on. But, now these thoughts about mission have penetrated my mind and soul. I really started to pay attention to it, and the possibility of going just fuels my fire to go. I can't stop thinking about it, talking about it, and praying about it. I'm starting to feel like its not just a dream, but maybe just maybe its a reality.

My cause is to draw near to God, and live a life of Worship, offering myself as a living sacrifice to the Lord. I want to do this, because God has promised that he will draw near to us, if we draw near to him. I want to live a life of Worship, because its just not enough to have a worship in the morning, or sing songs for worship. God deserves our lives, and I want to live my life for him.

Why do you need to go to fight for your cause? To answer shortly I don't need to. But I want to. I think it will build me up, and I will grow much more then I would here. I need to get out of my comfort zone, and push myself for the Lord. I want to let him use me.

This started applying to me personally recently, I started paying attention, absorbing everything there was about this. My cause is to draw near to God, and live a life of Worship. I want to go to get out of my comfort zone.

pohnpei?

im thinking about this pohnpei business, and im thinking about why i want to go. heres some pro's and con's: and feel free to add some more to help me out.

pros:
growing experience
surfing
learn about a different culture
finding myself
teaching would give experience in fatherhood
no schoolwork
finding God again


cons:
homesickness
no psychiatrists
no schoolwork
not much food
more freshmans when i come back
miss out on new york trip
possibly not finding God