Post October Break

why is it that i want so much? my hopes are more than the world. im searching for something ill never get the answers for. im looking for something ill never see, and yet i desire it so much that i continue to pursue it always. its kinda like my goal is so high its almost impossible to reach, and yet i desperately work for it.


sometimes uncertainty, the million possibilities that are left open in my mind are more painful than the actual truth. i was told that i am hated, and because of that, i am grateful. i don't need to wonder about how she feels anymore. i dont need to draw anymore conclusions, or analyze, because she hates me simply because i am the way i am. i wont change. this hurt so much, knowing i was wrong, knowing that i was fooled for a whole year and a half, until i finally figured out the truth. her words were like confetti composed of knives. it was too dangerous, now its time to party with someone else.

time never makes sense to me. it can be so important sometimes, and other times it doesn't matter. like if i had learned the truth earlier on, maybe i would have been less reserved for her. maybe i would have seen something different. i think from the day i met her it was only a matter of time before i had to disappear from her life.

scarred, and shaken up, i swear im doing fine, but people around me can even see that im a mess. the good news is it can get any worse, so it can only get better from here. saviour.