starting southern again

maybe i stopped caring. i saw a girl that made me all nervous, and ya it was hard for me to speak to her, but i see no need to pursue anything this year. dating, and pursuing girls has been a big part of my life, and its sort of weird to be away from that and genuinely not care about the ordeal.

the romantic pursuit is highly glorified, and because im away from it, i don't really know what to do. i do see pressure, but i don't care.

i had a dream a while back that i smelled some sweet incense smoke and this girl i went to highschool with came up in the dream and was sorta lecturing me, saying " Why did you do that, now you'll never be alone" i think girlfriends are over-rated, and a bunch more work than i realize. and unless im serious about a girl, i dont see any use in starting a partnership. the dream made me realize that never being alone can be a bad thing. like what if this chic is bad for me?

i dont have any answers.

sometimes i feel a muse can be persued, but if it is caught, than it is no longer a muse, therefor either ill be single forever, or i will stop trying to write songs.

On "Snail"....

slow things are really interesting like slow motion, chilling underwater, snails, and turtles. no body gives that stuff any attention today it seems like everything is all fast paced. love is a fast song by copeland, ehh i dont know if i believe that. maybe. i dunno.

but i really found this one girl attractive last year. i mean honestly she was classy, and beautiful. she was a little older than me but i was cool with that. what really caught me off guard, was it actually seemed like she was digging me, she was laughing at my lame jokes, she understood my style. We would hang out a little, we started sitting next to each other in photo class. We started flirting a little bit. as cliche as this sounds her smile got me everytime. it expressed a mixture of things: 1. that she thought i was funny 2. that she was curious 3. that she was happy. all of which led me more attracted to her.

alright so i have tickets to this amazing concert explosions in the sky, and i wanted to ask her, but i didnt wanna do it in some lame uncreative way, and i didnt want to do something that would be too easy like the same thing i always do (write a short song and ask them) so i was thinking about this one time when she showed me her tattoo under her waistline. it was the chinese word for "friends". so i thought of an idea of writing "will you go on a date" in that region on me.

i showed up to class and told her i had gotten a tattoo of the chinese word for friends, and she didn't believe me, she asked where, and i told her. she still didn't believe me and she called me a poseur, haha. so in the middle of photography class sorta towards the back, i stand up and pull my pantelones (pants) down to show her. i was nervous as hell, so i put them back on after a few seconds, she said, "wait lemme see again!" pretty funny. and i asked "did you read it? you could understand it right?" my heart was beating like crazy, so i grabbed her hand and put it on my chest. she said she would go.

well you all know me, im still the same old g. i jumped the gun like crazy. i do this alot with girls im attracted to, its just instinct. i started telling her half jokingly half seriously hoping she would catch a certain drift that i thought she was attractive.

i started writing again. a bit of poetry, gave it too her. and when she read them, she took off. she started sitting back in her old spot in photo class. we didnt hang anymore. one thing she did say before she left was "i guess our feelings don't match up".

On "I Remember it"

after the most depressing moments of my life there was a stage that was worse then all those lows combined. getting back on track. now i dont know much about depression, i just know i was comfortable. in my shame and brokeness i was fine. i couldnt really talk much about anything or function 100 percent, but i was cool with where i was at. ill admit at certain points i just couldnt bear not being able to be a social person, but for the most part i had accepted it as part of me. after senior year of highschool my parents and family were determined to find an answer and a solution, so i could be normal again.

at first i was fine with all the help they were giving. i went to psychiatrists and psychologist, got the same answer every time "your bi-polar" I wasn't really aware of what was going on and how the doctors were getting chosen. I just was dragged along. I had already come to terms that i wasn't normal i was bi-polar, because i saw it all throughout highschool. It wasn't a shock at all. We went to this guy Dr. Brain, ill be honest he's pretty awesome, hes got an accent from new zealand or australia or something i dont really know which one. but what was really impressive was that he ask me questions about how i was doing and such and he would write down my full and entire answer. I really got too excited about this, cause i would sometimes go on and on just to see if he would write it down. i would just bs sometimes too. pretty funny.

After being on the medication for a while i started to feel indifferent. it was weird. it felt like i had no emotion. in fact i realized that the only reason why i was going to these shrink sessions and taking the pills, is cause i wanted to get the heck outta maryland. i hated it (no offence). i started trying to get off the pills taking a lower dose. My best friend dennis, he thought i should have stayed on the same amount. He saw i was sick. I thought i would rather be sick, than an apathetic retard.

so im still on the medication, (a low dose) but i do remember this stage in life like it was yesterday. i remember it so well. it was super interesting. its a miracle i graduated from highschool. but yah i do remember the doctors saying i was messed up, my mom repeadedly saying i had delusions. once she said i had delusions of granduer, that really pissed me off, but then about 5 months later i was reading this bipolar book in our bookcase and it had that phrase in there so i thought that was pretty funny. i guess my point is that today, ive fallen short of perfection, and i will always. but i do remember getting well, and that was worse than anything, but its good i went through that, cause im a whole lot better.

Camping

i set up the tent. it was fun. im gonna camp tonight. it will be fun. fun. fun. holla if you wanna talk to a man located in the wilderness.

blistering calouses

im lonely. im tired. i think i called up every person on my phone tonight. nobody answered. i sometimes panic at the slow pace of summertime.

Looking to the future....

im really trying to get excited about the future.

going back to school in tennessee, dating hawties, playing shows, graduating, being with friends, going to shows, getting done with summerschool, turning 21.

i guess theres a whole lot more to look forward to, but it will hit me as it comes.

im too old for this....

i was just sitting outside in the hammock, and this spider tried to kill me. its supposed to be 95 degrees. pretty hot i guess. i have a huge paper to write. well not huge. but its still some work.