let me ruin this for you

shawn exists. that day in vegas existed. i was about 13. i wasnt thinking these things at the time, of course. though i was thinking something. i was shocked. i saw something, it was almost too much for me to handle. but somehow i became stronger through it. if you would have asked me back then, i would have said. "yea thats crazy! i didnt know he was a fighter". It's a lesson to me that sometimes I can learn something without the ability to fully express it until possibly months or years later.

and i closed with that final sentence fragment for a reason. i wanted you as the reader to experience some of the same offense that set off Shawn making him become violent. Lets be reasonable here. It's not my intention to make you violent. But i want to shock you, maybe offend you, so that you can put yourself into Shawn's shoes, and kind of think about what matters to you. what are you willing to fight for?

For me, I am willing to fight for my family, friends, GOD, music, and myself. The facts are that i sometimes am more willing to fight for myself than all the other subjects i mentioned. this may be normal, but to me it is an example of my selfishness and need to be humbled. God is the reason I am living. Ive had some crazy times with him, and it shows that nothing can separate us. My friends are not always there for me, but they are there most of the time. i do appreciate their wisdom, and we always seem to have a lot of fun. My family, we are very random, and though sometimes I feel out of place, they seem to accept me, and they are always there. Theres a whole lot of love in my family, sometimes we don't show it straight up, but its there.

"reveal yourself to me"

one day i noticed this kid cursing in a rage, held back from beating another kid up. "Apologize!, you have to apologize or you'll get a fist in your teeth" "I'm serious bro, thats #$%@ed up" at this moment in time the young kid i once knew to be a super funny/chill guy with a few skate tricks in the bag, became the personification of law enforcement. If you would have asked the kids that were holding him back, they would have agreed with Shawn, they saw what the other little guy said was pretty messed up, but they all seemed to agree that violence wasn't the answer.

Its funny how a space in time designed to be a place of utter anarchy, a place of freedom, and hope, that everything was messed up, but there was some form of structure . We had our thrills skating up a storm, making fun of each other, 13 year olds smoking who knows what, the occasional pros coming through to film, parents picking their kids up and cursing, and the bird was a common expression of hello or goodbye, smashing of glass,and broken legs and ankles, but there was a sense of belonging, this was our community.

some people apologize because it is fished for, its a great way to feel phony. They see the effects it does for the other person, then they just give in to extinguish the situation. Its in those moments when no thoughts are made, just do, what a way to live life, im sure its so very fulfilling.

As for Shawn, maybe he struggled free and got a few punches in, its not really important. But maybe we all grew up. Maybe Shawn works as a computer systems administrator for a corporation in LA. If i could just ask him one thing, I wouldn't ask him about those days, i wouldn't ask him about his new job. I would ask him about his brother, the one he was sticking up for that hot day in Las Vegas at the skate park. The one that was called once called a nigger.

oh gladness.

maybe its good that i havent documented anything for a while. its been a heavy few months.
alot has happened, kind of an uncontrollable storm. tiny vessels getting tossed in the weather.

i was one of them i experienced all of it. as distant as i could be, there was still and intensity and a chaotic love that i couldnt get away from. i was never alone. i found the other tiny vessel that brought me closer to the ocean. it was like i had been living sustainable and responsibly on my own in the mainland and suddenly out of nowhere she brought me out to the water and the waves consumed us. the sky falling and breaking, the waves crashing on us, the wind chap, the spray in our eyes.

it had been a little over a month and the storm was still full. i wanted to stay near her so much that i called to anchor next to her. it was still rough water waves everywhere. i tossed to her from the vault important equipment in trust that when she left she would come back when the storm was over. so much permanence was made, i raised her flag. her destination was the next continent. she had to go while the wind was still strong. we said our goodbyes.

through mail and other means we kept in touch. though we vessels were far, our flags were the same. the water began to calm, and the storm began to leave. with the storm gone, so left those moments. i lowered her flag. she found out, was confused. alot of time had passed. i made a few trips to different places, saw alot. i

thought about the storm and all that had happened.
I wanted to know if all of the storm and equipment i had given her had been used well, and if it was worth it to ride the storm together. i wanted to see where the other tiny vessel had gone to, and if she would ever be in a port near mine (not because i wanted to port next to her). i wanted to see if she was doing well. what is it that made us sail during a dangerous storm? we could have been shipwrecked, and died in there.. Am I going to ever want the equipment back that I gave her? Was it all worth it?

Well while i was near her port i stopped by to find out the answers. I felt it was enough time and the storm was far enough away that it would be safe to find out. I made the signal, she didnt see me. I had heard through an ally ship, that she had dumped my gear overboard. along with my flag. i found out that she had happened to be near me during that storm because another ship in her fleet had abandoned her right before i was there. It made me feel like it wasnt any sort of undeniable love like i had thought. because she happened to move to a new fleet, it made me realize that everything was gone. Im still trying to sort it all out. though alot was lost, but alot was also gained. my crew gained experience and if another wind turns black, i would feel less like everyone would die. (not that i want to be in that situation again anytime soon)

whats the worst thing you could say to someone?

probably that they're not even human...

Broadside

havent posted for a while...

but i got a bunch of make up work to do. its gonna suck

i will posses your heart.

your what i want, but not what i need
i thought logically about you and it turned you into history
you wanted friendship and i wanted more
i gave you friendship but you took my soul
i once was a risktaker a man of impulses
till i gave you my heart now im having convulsions
i thought about you, yah i thought
about
you
cant we go back to where it used to be
where our hearts were together with no critical thinking
id give anything just to be with you
i know you might be annoyed im just speaking the truth
cant you accept my open hand
im a broken man in the promised land
dont you know that i gave you my love
it was the simple kind, but isn't that enough
i made friends with your friends
you thought our day would end
well we'll always be friends
you know we'll always be friends
i might be an extra small t shirt for you
when your a medium, im saying thats the truth
but i'd rather be too small on someone i love
then fit good on some girl that doesnt hold my love
i'll try to stretch myself just to fit you better
i'll give you the other me the coat for cold weather
i thought about you, yah you know i thought
about
you
you say i should give up on you
that our time is through
what do i do
i take the weight out of this
i try to put it to rest
but i want you to want me
o i wish i will posses your heart

under pressure

its winter. finals are coming. papers are stacking up. work is piling higher. stress is growing. in moments like these i sing out a song I sing out a love song to Jesus In moments like these I lift up my hands I lift up my hands to the Lord

Singing, I love You, Lord
Singing, I love You, Lord
Singing, I love You, Lord
I love You

(bring me back to you Jesus, because i haven't been getting anywhere on my own)