struggles & pedestals

circa) years ago-

it was months of hollering like a hopeless romantic.
poems were written.
song was sung.
finally, I convinced the "girl of my dreams" to go on a date.

My formula, to set up the best date possible, something slightly hilarious and slightly serious at the same time.

She had to get her convo credit (convo is a way of universities to con/force students into listening to excessively boring programs), then she said would meet up with me for the date.

After the convo, I was trying to be all coy and not tell her where we were going trying to surprise her. I ended up just giving her a general idea, "were headed to the student park".

On the walk over, we made small, and shy talk. We passed by a tree with a bunch of bananas hanging from it. "Dayng gurrrl you drive me bananas~!" I said then made some monkey noises.

A good friend of mine had set me up. He said "I know your gonna bust that line if you see some bananas"He was right. It made her laugh. It made her get cheezy and then when she started feeling weird about the the cheeze she changed the subject "So what are we doing? , Whats that over there?"

I had been discovered. She saw the canvasses, blank, clean, ready for action, ready for pure beauty and fortitude. I didn't care that she knew, I just tried to play it off anyways.

"Oh its nothing, don't worry about it, lets do this Bible study first." We agreed to study, and I went to my favorite book. John. "IN THE BEGINNING was the word and the word was with God and the word was God."

"I don't quite get that, but it makes me think of Genesis" she said.

We went through the story of Adam and Eve for a little bit.

Then after, we filled up balloons with paint and blasted up the canvases with paint.

I told her the things she didn't want, her struggle, her pain is in the paint. That she must get it out.

And she did, an odd date turned into an odd metaphysical wrestling match.
We talked about her struggle.
I felt awkward, I didn't know what to do with the information.
I have a struggle, but her? Shes to good for a struggle
I heard people struggle with it before.
I dated girls who struggle in other ways.

"Your becoming snake like" she said playfully.
"Oh snaps are you shamed? Never be ashamed, don't let anyone shame you! It doesn't matter what you struggle with, find someone and talk. It's not too late."

I really didn't know what to say.

I started talking about myself "I struggle with putting girls up on pedestals. I fall in love with every girl I meet, and then I convince myself that they are some sort of goddess."

"You got alot to work on."

She was right, I was able to build a Jacob's ladder size pedestal.
I had so much to learn.

A few months ago, I was working with a non profit group that works with people that have her struggle. The event organizer had personally struggled with it, and her daughter as well. She seemed nervous (which most people get fairly nervous before events like this). I gave her a quick pep talk. She was almost brought to tears and was so thankful.

I'm no expert in disorder. But I just wish that I would just learn to love, the details are secondary. Love conquers all.